Cheetos and Warm Beer

So I’m sitting there with my pledge class at tables in the fraternity cafeteria, minding my black and white squares. We are being tested on the first chapter in our pledge manual on a Monday night. This was our second week in the house and things were all very new to us. Rush was a breeze. A bunch of guys kissing your ass and giving you free beers until you signed.

So we are taking this test, and all of us are taking it very seriously as our “Pledge Master” looks on. In walks some active brothers who have been out drinking and spot a keg that has been sitting in the cafeteria since Friday night. The keg hasn’t been iced for three days. 

The stumbling brothers, Gable and Smalls decide they are going to pay Shultz $5 for every pitcher of beer he can slam. Now Shultz is a big man who always sweats, even in the winter. He is like Chunk from the Goonies as a grown man with sideburns too long and hair style from ’82. We weren’t the coolest house on campus. This goes on as we are taking some test and we can’t help but look up and watch. About three pitchers go down without any problem. 

Then Schultz discovers the bag of cheetos my pledge brother has next to him. Schultz grabs the bag of Cheetos and starts chugging them down as if it was beer. Gable and Smalls raise the stakes. They offer Schultz an additional $10 on top of the $5 per pitcher if he can eat the whole bag of cheetos and slam three more pitchers. So $25 more for Schultz. 

Schultz agrees. 

The bag of cheetos is gone in about 30 seconds as Schultz wads it up and throws it to the floor in victory. Smalls and Gable are pouring pitchers and lining them up for Schultz. The 4th goes down, no problem. In the middle of chugging the 5th pitcher, Schultz comes to a screeching halt, holds his arms out for balance and then projectile vomits orange cheetos and beer. It looked like a sweaty volcano exploding. 

Smalls and Gable tell Schultz, the deal is over, he puked, no good. Schultz will have none of it. “Fuck you guys, give me that” he says, taking the 5th pitcher and finishing it. Then Schultz grabs the 6th pitcher. As he moves to chug the second pitcher he pukes into the pitcher creating a pitcher of unchewed cheeto beer puke and orange stomach juice. 

By now, the whole pledge class has stopped taking the test and are just watching the unfolding event. Puke filled pitcher in hand, Schultz tries to chug the 6th pitcher – still full of puke and succeeds. Schultz grabs the money out of Smalls hand and promptly passes out on the cafeteria floor. 

Gable and Smalls are laughing their asses off and the pledge class is just stunned. Schultz starts to snore on the floor as Gable and Smalls try to help him up. Schultz, half awake now takes a swing at Smalls who dodges it. They leave Schultz on the ground and leave the room laughing hysterically.  

“Back to work” the pledge master yells. So we all start taking our test again. 

Five minutes later, Smalls and Gable return and take the money out of Schultz’s pocket and leave.

The next morning at breakfast, Schultz was still there asleep on the floor while the whole house at breakfast. Welcome to fraternity life.


~ by thebooger on August 21, 2008.

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